My Diary

Doing a bit of thinking here on the vastly latter part of my day after having used this application a bit in the evening. After consulting, probing with the insights generator, I am once again confronted with a particular reality which, I suppose is reflected in the entire purpose of this app which I currently use and which I “vibe coded” myself (though I fail to see the validity of the term despite its popularity—coding applications using LLM’s is a way more involved process than could be carried on vibes alone, though I suppose the ideas one chooses to go ahead and prompt, test, and iterate on produce a certain ‘vibe’ when things are going well. Much more linguistic than vibes-oriented but who am I to throw slings at contemporary lexicon, particularly that which proliferates and likely originates on and from the internet.)

Back to the subject at hand, the reflections generated through this particular app called My Diary, as usual were cutting and reminded me about a sort of double edged sword which I suppose was developed at some point in my life, then grew and became more practiced, more capable, until eventually, like ouroboros became trained upon and against itself so that, unlike a black hole, did not consume nor destroy, but rather created a sort of intellectual vacuum that preens itself and builds up defenses where convenient or necessary. This, then, I suppose is simply more reinforcement for that very mechanism, but it’s all the same—it’s not something I am hearing about nor considering for the first time. Without attempting to fluff myself up, I’ll report that on multiple occasions my intellect has been praised but with a cautionary addendum that minds overly-analytical can become counterproductive or even hazardous to true action or even change since they can grow tall weeds that, while logically arranged, scaffolded and with sound reasoning, clear analysis of even nuanced topics or observations, then simply muck about in them, then become liable to complain when they can’t see what’s outside of them, a self-reinforcing yet self-containing fortress of one’s own conclusions or, frighteningly enough, conclusions, even if they are completely distorted from “reality” or from the perceptions of others who, having a much more impersonal take on one’s own circumstances would consider and prescribe remedies or identify challenges in a way much more soberly and constructive.

So, in other words, even if I identify that “it’s my thinking and deep trenching into analysis which is hindering any meaningful change, whether due to a sort of paralysis it causes or otherwise a constant and reinforcing rationalization for why change is needless or even unattainable, knowing this is the case does not provide me a way out of this form of habitual handling of day-to-day processes, much less any more pressing or even threatening real-world scenarios. That’s fine with me.. I know this is the way I mentally operate, I suppose, and that it can and, likely, should be used as a benefit rather than an obstacle or otherwise (perhaps in a Jungian sense) integrated, and that merely producing more of the same is not the correct path nor recipe.

For now, though, I still have my app—a personalized outlet which I can continue to add to with my thoughts and, sure, my analyses, so that maybe I can start to identify patterns. I mean this not purely on a surface level, I.e. simply by noting patterns in topics or even moods or tones. Rather, perhaps it will bring in an entirely new dimension of awareness which can only occur alongside longitudinal consideration of faithful and accurate records (meaning that I should endeavor to always record nothing but the raw truth, my unvarnished but authentic self. And then, maybe I’ll find that I’ve grown tired of hearing about or reading (from the raw texts of the entries) those same, old, familiar methods of consideration or analysis, the illumination of which in some new and meaningful sense might prove to be invaluable, although it’s not entirely clear nor easy to tell from this particular moment.