My Diary

Maybe I will transfer over the brief handwritten entry I made yesterday, or maybe I won’t: it was brief and merely ‘set the stage’, analyzing the medium of writing physically with no real substance, particularly that which concerned what I actually ‘want’ to say.

Lately I feel those sensations which I heard Mother Angelica from an EWTN broadcast about how it’s normal to pray even though you feel “dry as a bone”, and while I know that I do not feel completely removed (which is unusual for me, as I can tend to quickly drop new hobbies or change ways after their novelty had worn off, so that even thinking about continuing with them feels like being fake, and thus that thought rationalizes itself circularly, and so when I would consider praying, despite it feeling rote on account of spiritual distance for some purpose or another, that same ‘dryness’ propels or confirms the hallmarks of the reasons why I should discontinue, on account of it being disingenuous; a ‘character flaw id like to, and maybe someday will overcome), I sense a small distance arising but I know it’s on account of my disobedience, which is a satanic property (as satan rebelled against God, and also continually teases us into thinking that those ideas mentioned are valid, are true).

Have I been disobedient though? Yes, I have.

I feel the same lack of closeness with God that acutely remember when I studied for, then took the exam to receive my AWS AI Practitioner certification, remaining extremely close in faith with Christ (despite using during this point and becoming at times downright manic in my expressiveness about it with my parents when I would talk to them). I felt God telling me not to take any Adderall before the test and that it was a test of faith in him to that point, but at the last minute, I succumbed, and felt this acute distance the moment the substance started hitting me and I began the exam. I can even recall saying some short mental prayer and hearing total silence in return as though the line had been cut, or cell or network service completely dropped and I could hear nothing coming through from His end. In his infinite mercy, however, he has taken me back, but calls on me to take his instructions seriously, not as some incentive to avoid correction or penalty but merely as a matter of course, as lies, half-truths, obfuscation or abandonment of commitments is deadly in any relationship, and is completely understandable.

What are the calls lately and what has been the biggest hindrance to the bud of that blossoming relationship in its infancy but beautifully starting to grow? That I need sobriety and to adhere to his gentle but clear expectations especially when they’re direct feelings of conviction—those which provide the believer with a binary choice: to ignore or obey. I’ve gone with the former in this moment.

Experiencing this has caused me to realize that I truly have a problem because despite wanting to stop, I cannot convince myself to do so. I see issues which are a result of using, even sometimes experiencing poignant or palpable desires to stop, or visualizations of stopping, but the ingrained patterns or perhaps some other blind spot dominate and bury any inclinations which lead in this direction.

What then shall I do, seek medical treatment? Do I have what it takes to actually put my foot down and begin seeking out those options? Will it be something I can even afford or feasibly do? Will I forever brand myself as “in recovery” as a sort of secondary descriptor alongside ’devoted Catholic’? How long will that grow tiresome in its own sense or lead to me abandoning me to abandoning the act as I’ve been wont to do?

Lord, I pray for true guidance, and what’s more, for strength to follow through on whatever it is you command of me, not only because your gentle instruction will produce positive fruit in my life (and the effect this will have on others close to me) but also because it would mean resolving this discrepancy and distance between my heart and the incessant rationalizations, compulsions, disordered thinking.

I suppose, then, I humbly ask your wisdom in devising a proper plan, and what’s more, courage to start it, perseverance to continue it, for grit to maintain it long term, to restore the sweetness of our relationship which should not be minimized by my resistance to commit.

I ask this in your name, Lord. Thank you for the well of your infinite mercy and forgive me, a sinner who’s weak, but seeks strength through you so I may better love and serve you towards your greatness. Amen.