My Diary

My body moves too quickly, too many substances competing inside of me. I need the Lord’s grace. I need to be cleansed, not just of mind but of spirit and physically—this I know for sure. It is without His grace that I’m doomed to suffer that life without any form of relief: doomed in a sense as in ‘to repeat it’ perpetually; the result of not learning from one’s mistakes.

But through God, despite this veil of chemicals, clouding my mind currently, I know surely that I can pray. It’s not so much that I know that I have the capability or permission, but rather, that, through its use, that perhaps some new dimension will arise within me, one which interfaces with the Lord in a clearer and certainly more honest way. When I say that “I can pray” this is not some proposition nor hollow affirmation or commital, but rather, a dimension I detect within myself—and how blessed is such a realization: to be in communion with the Lord Jesus; how glorious.

Sitting across from the priest at Holy Spirit Church on Blanco, I see a wise and intelligent man, full of resolve, but strikingly levelheaded, approachable, and in some ways, resolved in his role, through the fulfillment of the vocation to which he had received a call and did not ignore it, but rather, took it seriously, lives through its duties and expectations, its obligations with a gravity to his approach. Bless him, Lord, and bless the absolution he had been able to provide to me when I honestly shared my shortcomings or intentional disobedient acts that had occurred since the last time I confessed. Then I went and spent time in the Eucharistic Adornment Chamber which was beyond graced in the time which I was in there, praying the rosary.

How quickly do I return to my old ways? To carrying out the sin of giving into temptations, all of which seek not just to satisfy the mind but also in ways physical, even if at my own expense. Pray for us, members of our church, whether dead or still living, and whether in a chaste or communal vocation and thus seen as authoritatively in our church or otherwise removed from most experiences of society, its distinct and rich but ultimately destructive, fleeting short term pleasures.