Sobering Realizations Upon Observations

For the past 5, going on 6 years my life has once again been dominated by my desire to use drugs. This had become quite clear and evident when I revisited the vast catalogue of images saved to my iCloud/phone. Every idea, every saved image with the intent to capture some meaningful encounter romantically or sexually, or, by vast proportion more to derive a purely physical release or gratification to or from, sometimes only something which seeks to titillate psychology. For example, if I come across images of women whom I’d had relations with, I serves, I suppose as some sort of trophy, albeit (in the back of my mind) with the reminder that I had achieved any sort of success of experiences with the opposite sex despite or perhaps with a self-imposed reliance on my world intentionally perceived by compulsive substance usage.

I do not mean to self-flagellate here, merely point out the distinctive pattern across a relatively long stretch of time with obsessive consistency.

It’s as though (cliche though it may be) I can’t even imagine what my life or personality, interests, desires and motivations, or the ways I spend my time, fixate my attention would ‘look’ if I suddenly snapped my fingers and this reliance or obsessive desire to experience the world in this altered way.

Something must be done, before too much more time slips away.