My Diary

I'm bucking all conventions and adding a second entry to the app after, admittedly, a few hours iterating and tinkering with it in order to get it to its current state. I had the idea of making it a sort of "public" version developers could reproduce by cloning a GitHub repo so that I did not make yet another personally-serving application that may never see the public light of day--and if we're being 100% honest here, this one likely will not either, but it was still something I set out for and endeavored to do. Now the app in all its janky but mostly functional glory can be admired or gawked at as the case may be by all.. huzzah!

It's currently 9:17PM on the second of my two days off, and since I work at 6AM I should be winding down to go to sleep, but once again, when placed in this exact scenario, here I am, desperately trying to bang out the last of the conceivable tasks or even fleeting desires yearning for satisfaction until the very last minute and I'm forced, kicking and screaming (figuratively speaking... in reality, I'm generally quite silent during these hours and placed before a screen) to go to sleep and start the whole cycle over again.

So all of the tinkering and likely useless, though admittedly enjoyable toiling away before the computer working on AI-generated coding projects which, though cool, in my estimation are so far from monetization that they should be considered nothing more than some form of passion projects, and, by my recent designs, are entirely self-serving in the sense that they rely on me, having been "designed" by me to know--to remember, in fact, how to use them, how they work, and so on. This sort of approach is fine most of the time when it comes to me, but, for goodness sake, I'm about tired of always orienting towards me, me, me. I feel this, I guess you could say conceptually (even though feelings and conceptual understanding are typically considered divorced) but I know myself, having spent so much time preening my wants and cravings and tying myself into neat little introspective knots that serve so little a purpose, that they're beginning (at least on a very high surface level) starting to feel quite long in the tooth for, wait for it... for me as well.

Maybe one day I'll have the bravery to come out with the true reasons for my insomnia, the fact that this, by all accounts, should not be my normal state, the normal way my body functions or should function, but via a forcing of my own hand, via self-intervention manifesting more like self-sabotage, the same old grooves are being further carved down into, reinforced, despite their orientation leading far, far away from any rational desired goal or orientation I could conceive when my state or mental faculties are more stabilized. Perhaps, however, as the adage goes--it's one thing at a time. Although typing out those words reminds me of a passing thought which occurred to me yesterday while (surprisingly enough) I was playing Stellar Blade.

The thought was, loosely described, that it may feel like a vast chasm which separates the current ruts I find comfort, homeostasis inhabiting but in reality, at least in the way I could conceive of it, with enough determination or otherwise once an especially low or decisive experience had been reached as a result of the current courses of action, the changes, though highly-impacting would, on their surfaces, appear and likely even "feel" quite minimal to enact. In other words, it's not as though I would have to pack my bags and move to Europe, change my name, forget about my family, and grow out a long moustache in order for this to work. By all external appearances, rather, the changes would be quite subtle. I found this to but unique and odd. Additionally, I found it fascinating how easy it was for me to both experience the considered amount of time decisive changes such as those would take before their effect was not only clear on the surface of things but also felt. To provide an example for this, though I'm not currently struggling with weight, it's not as though I wanted a 6 pack and massive muscles as an older obese person who had never exercised with routine once in their life. I mention this because losing the amount of weight to go from someone who's considered obese to one who has the amount of body fat proportion in order to have visible 6 pack abs would actually take quite some time, as it is essentially a linear and involved process. That's not to speak towards their habits, but rather the pure time it would take for their body, which had stored up that tremendous amount of excess fat to transform into one with their desirable levels of body fat proportionality. My "plight" if you'll call it that is not like this.

With all of that said, despite the low barriers I can conceive concerning both the amount of drastic action necessary and the time commitment required, it's not to say that I cannot find the motivation nor incentive to start making necessary changes--believe me, those are prevalent and abundant, it's the capability to finally bully myself into making the changes my desires entails, and when I say bully, I mean it. As I mentioned previously-- I know myself, far too well.