Is it Time to Journal?

I wonder if this is a good time to be “journaling” as it were, my mind in some altered state, primarily having taken everything that I felt I needed on a sedatory basis—just enough to hit that particular amount I feel will do it: will put me out for the night. ‘Uppers’ had already been in my system, and plenty of them no less, and so additional counteracting agents had been consumed so as to be able to fall asleep. Those are the specifics. On a more personal level, I have obviously become reliant on the benzodiazepine drugs to sleep regardless of my level of stimulant intake—and none of it is good, not of it is righteous, productive, nor even particularly “enjoyable”, in a ‘fulfillment’ though I suppose it has physical or sensuous properties this ritual or habit I’ve grown accustomed to, that I can barely fathom what it would look like to do anything differently. It’s been this way, at this level, since COVID. So a lot of unlearning has to be done.

I’m tired. The effects are surely kicking in, and so I likely only have some time left to remain capable at relaying my thoughts in ways which are structured or even coherent. What is it that I long for, that I feel is lacking by the time I shut my eyes at the end of each day and try to silence myself with my head on the pillow? To cease, to let myself be taken away until I wake up the next day. It’s not like this is right.